SOME HUMOROUS LINKS A kitty rock song... hit the link, it's great!
An Adorable Kitten you can pet, play with, and hear purr! (It didn't work with my Netscape, but it worked wth IE
Pole Dancing Kitty
SIGNS YOUR CAT IS TOO FAT
* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
* Always lands on her spleen.
* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
* Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
* Cat food dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
* "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try
this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on
their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working
according to plan.DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no
good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What
sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the
piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it
is only a matter of time.......
"Cats": The Way It Should Have Been
"Cats," the broadway musical, romanticized and shrouded in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" didn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have had to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.
* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their mood.
* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
* In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
* A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?
* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.
* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.
The Twelve Cats of ChristmasOn the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree
My 12 cats were laughing at meOn the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at meOn the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me!!
THE ORIGIN OF PETSA newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
Things I MUST Remember As A Dog:
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not pass gas in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, from the other side of the fence: Cat Rules
1. There are no rules required to be a cat >^..^< I will, claw, scratch, sleep, eat, yowl, whenever, wherever and however I wish, for I am a cat and ruler of all things beneath me . . . which encompasses everything that is not another cat, and I probably rule them too
How To Give A Pill To A Cat
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from under bed and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed his car into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a portion of fish. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms, and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop and order new dining room table.
15) Call newspaper to place ad seeking new home for a "family" cat. Inquire about hamsters at local pet shop.
HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A DOG:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Creation and Cats
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
How To Talk About Cats & Still Be Politically Correct
I'm not aloof.
I am Hominoidally UnimpressedI don't shed.
I develop Follicle AbdicationI don't scratch.
I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.I don't purr.
I am aurally appreciative.I am not indifferent.
I am Dispassionately Neutral.I'm not small.
I am Corpus Compactus.I am not fat.
I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.I am not asleep.
I am temporarily inert.I don't chase mice.
I am Rodent Defiant.I am not fussy.
I become a Fastidious FelineI am not hungry.
I suffer from Craving Derangement DisorderI'm not fixed.
I am Romantically Inaccessible.
Where Do Pet's Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said,
"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
How To Give A Cat a Bath1.) Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2.) Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3.) Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4.) In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.)
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5.) Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6.) Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7.) Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8.) The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
